Juiced Up: The answer to your training problems

Austin Brown

Professor Trevor Hoag

English 123

13 April 2017

Juice Up: The answer to all training problems

            Put yourself into these shoes. You’re not a very big guy. Your friends refer to you as shrimp, stick boy, and Mini Mouse. You’re tired of visiting the beach and having all the “swoll” guys take all the hot women because of their big, voluptuous muscles glistening in the sun from the salt water while you’re stuck with the “scraps”. Because of this you decide to go to the gym and change the fact that you look like the Christmas tree from the Charlie Brown Christmas special, but you are seeing no results. You have been going religiously for five days straight and you don’t have that hour glass bod that makes the ladies swoon. Well have no fear because the answer to all your problems is right in front of you. Steroids my friend. After just one cycle they can have you looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger. The same concept applies to athletes, if you want to be the best just juice up.

Athletes want to win. Isn’t that the point of competition? To compete is to put oneself head to head with an opponent with the intention to ground said opponent into the ground using the sole of your boot. People play to win. No matter if it’s in sports, video games, the business world, or even the wild. The objective of life is to win, and if any living organism can find a winning edge to push them past their opponent ever so slightly then they will do it. Business men “cheat”, video game players “cheat” (well at least I do), so why is it wrong when an athlete does it? Humans pile into tightly packed stadiums like cows into a slaughter house and spend millions of dollars on tickets and merchandise.  to watch the athletes we like, win the sport that we enjoy. Sports are all about profit, so why does it matter if its clean? When confronted about his team taking illegal substances and asked about the sport the Stanford Women’s Swim Team Coach had this to say “I think the overwhelming majority of swimmers are dedicated to having as clean a sport as possible. But I think you have to say there are some outlaws out there.” (Kroichick 2004). The second part of this statement says it all, “there are some outlaws out there.” So this is what I hear from this statement, “Other teams are taking steroids but we are dedicated to a clean system and will not stoop to their level. Because of this we are going to get out butts kicked when we play them but we are still dedicated to being clean.” It’s almost as if Coach Quick is rolling over and letting his opponents stomp on him and walk over him. He is basically spitting in the face of competition by making this statement. Coaches need to fight fire with fire. If other teams are taking steroids, instead of taking the cowards way out and reporting them, their team needs to take steroids. This way it cancels out the fact that opponents are taking steroids. This is the only way to save competition because if one team is taking steroids, every other team they play and nobody will want to watch any more games, thus losing profit. But if all teams took steroids, the competition between teams would be restored and the profits for teams would increase.

Recently, the Baseball Hall of Fame voted to induct three new members, and its choices prove that steroid use is acceptable in professional sports. The new inductees include Jeff Bagwell, Tim Raines, and Ivan Rodriguez, two of which were suspected of doing performance enhancing drugs (Rodriguez and Bagwell) and Bagwell admitted to the steroid use while Rodriquez still refuses (Ford, 2017). But if you’re reading this Ivan, its ok you can come clean, there will be no repercussions, they are not going to take your Hall of Fame status away from you because they knew you did steroids when they voted you in. The point is that the world is beginning to change its view on how it sees steroid use. The Baseball Hall of Fame is trying to say that it is ok to work less hard then other MLB players, do better, and succeed in the League. Not only is it ok, but you will be rewarded for it.   I don’t know why a baseball player wouldn’t jump on this opportunity, have one’s name remembered for eternity for only half the amount of work? Sounds like a great deal to me. People seem to think that steroids are ruining sports, “it creates super athletes” well isn’t that what people want to see? Two names, Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens. Bonds is perhaps one of the greatest sluggers of all time and Clemens is one of the best pitchers to ever play the game. Both tested positive for performance enhancing drugs (Ford 2017) back when they played. Both were very close to getting into the Baseball Hall of Fame this year, Bonds and Clemens reached 53.8 and 54.1 percent (75 percent is needed to be inducted) (Ford 2017). The two’s percentages increased by 10 since last year so it’s only a matter of time before they get inducted. The point is that people love stats and players playing well, but hate steroid use. What these people don’t understand is that you can’t have one without the other, so people need to grow up and accept steroid use.

Why work hard for something when it is achievable synthetically and unnatural? The objective of playing the game is to win, just as I said earlier, this will never change. Just as Herm Edwards said, “It’s one of the greatest things about sports, you play to win the game!” (Edwards 2013). Even Edwards, who was a highly-respected NFL Head Coach advocated for the use of performance enhancing drugs while in his prime. He understood that to take the NFL to the next level the organization needed to raise the stakes a little and start creating super athletes. People need more excitement in their lives. People like Phillip who works a dead-end job at Teleamericorp who after a long day goes home to two annoying kids and nagging wife and all the man looks forward to in his life is to sit on his coach, beer in hand and watch his team beat the snot out of its opponent. He wants to see action, he needs excitement. What better way to give this to him then have two juiced up athletes hit each other at full speed, or a doped-up swimmer swim 30 laps without getting tired, or another Lance Armstrong bike one thousand miles without fatigue. Humans want to see the race progress. Why stop the wants of our own race? Steroids are essential for humans and professional sports.

“Bob Ford: Baseball has Hall of a mess.” Philadelphia Inquirer [Philadelphia, PA], 18 Jan. 2017.

Edwards, Herm. “Herm Edwards You Play To Win.” Youtube, uploaded by topdoggjb, January  22, 2013, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5-iJUuPWis.

Kroichick, Ron. & Mark Fainaru-Wada. “Stanford swim coach in hot water.” SF Gate, http://www.sfgate.com/sports/article/Stanford-swim-coach-in-hot-water-2702199.php.

            Accessed on April 16, 2017.


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