Presented in Prezi
*disclaimer: This piece is meant as satire, and does not represent the author’s actual opinions
For years now, left-wing loonies have been lapping up the idea of “global warming,” that somehow, our planet getting a few degrees warmer, which by all scientific accounts is absolutely normal, is going to lead to the destruction of human life on Earth. Of course, a rational human being with minimal common sense can see the Great Global Warming scam for what it is: a ruse designed to take money out of hard-working taxpayers’ back pockets and into the hands of greedy, power-seeking globalists, intent on enslaving the people of Earth. Their so called “science” is fraudulent, and even if the ocean is a mere two degrees warmer, I don’t see the problem in that. Hell, I’ve got a pool that warms up and down to a much greater degree in my backyard. We call it a hot tub. As animals, humans should be able to adapt, and with technology at our disposal, we should be able to do it best. If a few weak-bodied, flimsy, liberal scientists can’t take a bit of warmer weather, that’s just natural selection at work. However, despite all these clear flaws in the climate change argument, the Obama administration still swindled its way into the Paris Climate Accord, an agreement among a few countries to “cut carbon emissions,” also known as shuffling away tax dollars into their personal bank accounts. Thankfully, with the election of our lord and savior Sir Donald Trump, the White House has promised to pull out of the climate change agreement, saving the U.S. economy, and in turn removing us from the madness that is the idea of climate change. For those of you not yet convinced of the utter ridiculousness that is global warming, and the proposed “solution” to it, the Paris Climate Accord, allow me to elaborate further.
First off, we need to clear the air. For too long, people on this planet have been kept in the dark, led astray by over-empowered, corrupt government officials that want nothing more than to whisk away your hard-earned money on pseudo-science garbage. Climate change is a hoax. There is absolutely nothing factual about it. The planet goes through natural cycles of warming and cooling, and if we currently are in a phase of warming, then so be it. Nature will take its course, and then we will return to a cooling stage, and the loonies will be screaming about the threat of an Ice Age. As for the hippie environmentalists that worry for the safety of polar bears thousands of miles away, here’s a news flash: Nobody cares. What good is a polar bear to the human race? Can I step outside my beautiful Appalachian cabin and hunt a polar bear for its meat and then provide for my family? No, I can’t, and therefore if a polar bear dies, why should I care? It’s most likely feeding a scavenger now, and if it can’t adapt, then it will die just as nature intended, and we should leave it that way. In terms of actual scientific fact regarding climate change, the results have been unconvincing at best. About 70% of results cannot be repeated in a lab environment, according to a study conducted by the University of Virginia’s Open Science Center, and scientists are in disarray as to whether climate change is actually occurring. Yet approximately $1.5 trillion per year are siphoned off to these inconclusive experiments, and these funds go to those that believe in the climate change scam. None of that money is budgeted to scientists that doubt these wild claims and seek to uncover the truth, and therefore no serious debate is occurring. Whoever said that the 97% of scientists that believe in climate change are right? This is America. We look to the dreamers, the innovators, the adventurers, not the same old boring information. The neglected 3% could include the next Albert Einstein, and we’re just not giving Albert Jr. a chance. Anyone who denies climate change claims are harassed by the overwhelming bureaucracy, but I say, no more! Go forth my people and listen to the 3% because they are the future.
Others fear the predicted economic fallout in the wake of the U.S. exiting the Paris Accord. To that I say: what economic fallout? How is leaving the stranglehold of a restrictive, controlling, tax-stealing, life-sucking agreement bad? We’re getting ourselves out of a dying green market and placing jobs back on American soil, in hardworking, good paying jobs, like coal mining, which I heard has tremendous health benefits. It almost instantly solves the American obesity problem. You won’t be overweight if you’re performing back-breaking labor 300 feet underground every day, now will you? Companies such as Apple and Ford are praising the United States’ efforts to leave the accord, citing the safety of billions of dollars in would-be wasted cash if the agreement went through. We’re escaping the burden of a non-existent threat that would undermine the American economy, and giving a step up to our manufacturing competitors, such as China. We’ve never been beaten by the Chinese before, and Trump is making sure we continue to win against them for years to come.
Now to address those tree-hugging hippies who will undoubtedly say I’m wrong. You can site “credible” sources such as NASA, but have you ever stopped to consider this: NASA is a part of the government, and the government will tell you exactly what you want to hear. I don’t care how many “strong consensus among leading scientists” there are, or how many times I’m told “we’re all going to die, and the human race will go extinct.” It’s manipulated, Marxist garbage, crafted to make you think in a certain way. If you’re so scared that a “rising coastline” is going to swallow up your beach house, I have a suggestion. Move away from the beach. It’s that simple. The water isn’t going to melt you away. And if you really think the Earth is warming so drastically, then explain to me how it snowed this winter? At this rate, we’ll be heading into a cooling period by your logic. You’re simply too afraid to step outside your liberal, propaganda-filled bubbles to experience real science, which says global warming isn’t real. You simply don’t want to hear the truth.
I would like to finish with a quote directly from my personal hero—and the hero of the American people—the great fountain of knowledge, Donald Trump: “The concept of global warming was created for and by the Chinese to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.” Yes, you are absolutely right, my sweet Donald. And the Paris Climate Accord is just another American smothering pact meant to stifle the U.S. into submission, placing us behind the Chinese in the world order, and that is something the American people simply cannot stand for. We must rally and hold our revered president to his campaign promise to pull out of this corrupt and unjust deal. Our great country will suffer from it, and the establishment will push back hard to hide the truth, undoubtedly attempting to end our war cry. But I say fight and let the truth ring free so that all Americans can die of lung cancer and tidal waves on our own terms, not when the government says we should. Fight for that FREEDOM.
I would like to congratulate anybody who made it to the end of this article without wanting to rip their hair out. If you actually found yourself agreeing with me, then I would like to say a few things. Number one: notice the disclaimer at the beginning of the text. I disagree with everything I wrote. Number two: I lied about pretty much everything, and if I didn’t lie, I manipulated the truth to the point it was no longer recognizable, and it turned out fairly similar to articles I’ve read of the same ilk. The denial of climate change is hilarious to me, as it is almost completely unfounded. The information I provided was taken out of context and served to you on a platter in the exact way climate change deniers like to see it. I twisted the words provided into a delicious cinnamon roll of deceit, and if you found yourself enjoying it, then you my friend are bad at fact-checking and susceptible to what I would call “fake news.” I can make anything appear exactly as how you would like it to be seen, and media outlets on both the right and left sides of the political spectrum do exactly the same. My words of advice are to expect manipulation, as it is almost always present, and to make sure you gather as much information as possible on a given subject. More information is better; you’ll get a bigger picture, and be able to formulate your own ideas, rather than siphon off somebody else’s. Being able to identify your own opinions is critical, and in a world where everybody’s opinion is shared, it’s easy to lose your own thoughts in another’s. The internet provides millions of different ideas but it is your job to create your own. Remember the wise words of Abraham Lincoln: “Never trust everything you read on the internet.”